Island Man Voted Into Coffee Hall Of Fame

The Turnip

New Dundas, PEI

January 30, 2011

When the phone rang on Friday morning, New Dundas resident, Angus Kaldi, had a good feeling.

"I just knew this would be my year," beamed Kaldi, a 72-year-old retired electrician.

Indeed. The fateful call came from Sophie Noisette, commissioner of the Coffee Hall of Fame, who congratulated Kaldi on his induction into the venerable "shrine of Java", ending years of controversy.

"We recognize Mr. Kaldi's wonderful career. With 53,000+ career double-doubles and 2,400 playoff cups of black, there is no question that he deserves this honour. Combine that with recent experimentation with boutique world blends, and we are pleased to move forward," said Noisette, making a oblique reference to an incident in 2003.

In January of that year, Kaldi ended his streak of 991 consecutive morning cups of joe, just 14 shy of the all-time record. Stuck in a drive-thru line for more than 4 hours, his truck ran out of gas, and he refused to enter the shop. "No one ever mentions it was -37 C windchill," bristled Kaldi. "It was a damned cold day! But all that is in the past now."

Kaldi hopes to attend the induction ceremony, held in Montreal in April. He awaits the advice of his doctors, who have expressed concern that his resting heart-rate is 125 bpm.

[Photo credit: iStockPhoto]

Local Hockey Tilt Marred By Bench-Clearing 'Rock, Paper, Scissors'

The Turnip

January 11, 2011

Milford, Prince Edward Island

Fans, players, and even officials were stunned last night at a match between the New Dundas Double-Doubles and the Milford Mould, of the Red Rock Recreational Hockey League.

The Mould led the Double-Doubles 3-2, in a gritty, tense battle, when two enforcers collided at center ice. In the heat of the moment, the players dropped the gloves, but remembered harsh new suspension guidelines instituted by the League, and spontaneously went to Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Mould forward Ernest Geoffrion won the skirmish with a classic choice of scissors. Afterwards, the loser, Double-Double defenceman Pete Morenz, could not be consoled, "I know, in my head, that scissors are a slight statistical favourite, but his eyes told me he was thinking 'rock'."

Before officials could regain control, players spilled onto the ice, pairing up and repeatedly yelling "1,2,3 Go!". Most fans watched in horror at the scene before them, though 14-year-old Clint Benedict enjoyed the fracas, claiming, "Tomorrow, I'm totally going to skip class and read up on game theory."

The melee continued for 30 minutes before order was restored. Today, the league commissioner could not be reached for comment.

[Photo credit (via Creative Commons License)]

Roundabout Group Ponders Confederation Bridge

The Turnip

Charlottetown, PEI

December 29, 2010

A group of local roundabout enthusiasts held its inaugural meeting today, setting a promotional campaign for 2011 that includes the Confederation Bridge.

The Beneficent Roundabout Association (BRA) is organized by Frank Blackmore. "For many years, fans of traffic junctions just didn't have a voice on Prince Edward Island. But with PEI's recent ventures into efficient civil design, it is a pleasure to announce our new alliance."

Blackmore went on, "The danger is getting bogged down in old issues such as the 'One Metre Truck Apron Debate'. While important, BRA's focus will be larger in scope: job creation, the environment and efficiency".

To those ends, BRA's lobbying campaign aims big for 2011: twin roundabouts on the Confederation Bridge.

Blackmore beamed, "If we can get government buy-in, the employment opportunities are vast. And the efficiency! If you forget your double-double before getting on the Bridge, you can turn back at the 1/3rd mark."

However, the proposal already has its critics: pundits wonder if the planning is merely circular logic. Meanwhile, several truckers ask if the roundabouts will be open to high-sided vehicles.

Blackmore dismisses the detractors: "Our time has come. Roundabouts are the future and BRA will uphold them."

Charlottetown's Crows To Hold Christmas Concert

The Turnip

Charlottetown, PEI

December 16, 2010

A spokesperson for Charlottetown's large crow population announced today that the birds will offer a free Christmas concert, in an attempt to repair relations with city residents.

"The crows concede that they have overstayed their welcome in the past," said Edgar Nevermore, event organizer.

"We are extending a holiday olive branch," said Nevermore, holding a large twig that appeared to be from a white birch.

"We hope that in the spirit of the season, citizens of Charlottetown will join us in setting aside our mutual differences, and enjoy an early morning of song. We hope to build towards a meaningful dialogue in 2011."

The concert will be held at 4:45 am, December 22nd, at Victoria Park.

Prior to the show, the crows will accept requests for classic Christmas carols, though they decline to sing "Silent Night", due to a conflict of interest. Concert-goers are welcome to donate carrion at volunteer stations.

[Photo credit: iStockPhoto]