Town Celebrates 100th Pothole

The Turnip

New Dundas, PEI

March 29, 2011

Embracing the spring weather, and wishing Old Man Winter a not-so-fond farewell, New Dundas honoured the town's 100th pothole with a ribbon-cutting ceremony. The function opened a week of festivities, Pothole Days, celebrating both pleasant temperatures and the annual fatigue of road surfaces, leading to the iconic traffic hazard.  

Nate O'Doucette, mayor of New Dundas, officiated the proceedings: "Our town council is delighted to participate in Pothole Days. We've planned several events, and encourage families to come out and take part in the activities."

Events include a costume contest for children, jarring hay-wagon rides, and a sweet confection known as the sticky blacktop, a chocolate treat whose texture is reminiscent of asphalt, the highly viscous semi-solid found in most crude petroleum.

The week-long festival culminates in the Pothole Parade, generously sponsored by RePete's Auto, a local wheel-alignment and suspension shop.

[Photo credit A, Photo credit B]

Piping Plovers Plan Procreation In 3D

The Turnip

Blackbeard Island, Georgia

March 8, 2011

A group of Piping Plovers announced today that they plan to present the 2011 breeding season in 3D. 

Looking tanned and well-rested on the coast of Georgia, Pepper, a 3-year-old female shorebird, spoke on behalf of the group. "Between the lovely summers, and laidback pace, PEI is a great spot to raise a family. Combine that with strong conservation efforts, and we decided to give something back: our upcoming season will appear in rich, high-def 3D".

The announcement culminates months of planning between the birds, local nature groups, and high-end binocular manufacturers.

The birds' season will feature courtship displays, adorable chicks, and the occasional broken-wing display, all in a crisp resolution that approximates IMAX 3D, widely considered the gold-standard by technophiles.

Pepper beamed, "This is a fantastic marketing opportunity to move beyond our ornithologist base. If we can lure home theatre enthusiasts off the couch, and out onto closely-supervised viewing patrols, it's a win-win."

[Photo credit: Wikipedia]

Local Bar Heats Up Over Curling Dispute

The Turnip

Milford, PEI

February 17, 2011

Local police were called to a bar in Milford, last night, when a debate over the "best female second of all-time" turned ugly.

According to staff of "The Extra End", bar patrons were anxiously anticipating the upcoming Scotties, the Canadian women's national championship. "Early in the evening, people were having fun, swapping stories," said bartender Jamie O'Doucette. "But as the evening wore on, after some drinks, they started comparing the all-time greats, and things got pretty intense."

The primary bone of contention was the all-time best "second", the player who typically throws the 3rd and 4th rocks, and sweeps for all other players. 

Patrons divided into two factions: one favoured Jill Officer, current second for the defending 2010 champions; while others backed Joyce McKee, member of winning squads in 1961, 1969, and a dazzling 3-year run from '71 to '73. 

Said one bystander, only identified as 'Tim': "I don't condone violence, but McKee has my vote. She was a pioneer for women's curling, joining the Hub City Men's League in 1952. She's a member of five freaking championship teams, from a bygone era that was a damn sight tougher than today's posh rinks. The ice in '69 was just impossible."

Countered another, "A legend, yes, but McKee was skip in '61 and '69. Hello? We are talking about second stone here. Officer has 4 Canadian titles and a World title. They don't call her queen of the peel-weight takeout for nothing. Have these people even set foot in a rink?"

Police and bar staff restored order by airing a re-run of Colleen Jones' 2001 World Championship victory on several large-screen televisions. No charges will be laid.

Island Man Voted Into Coffee Hall Of Fame

The Turnip

New Dundas, PEI

January 30, 2011

When the phone rang on Friday morning, New Dundas resident, Angus Kaldi, had a good feeling.

"I just knew this would be my year," beamed Kaldi, a 72-year-old retired electrician.

Indeed. The fateful call came from Sophie Noisette, commissioner of the Coffee Hall of Fame, who congratulated Kaldi on his induction into the venerable "shrine of Java", ending years of controversy.

"We recognize Mr. Kaldi's wonderful career. With 53,000+ career double-doubles and 2,400 playoff cups of black, there is no question that he deserves this honour. Combine that with recent experimentation with boutique world blends, and we are pleased to move forward," said Noisette, making a oblique reference to an incident in 2003.

In January of that year, Kaldi ended his streak of 991 consecutive morning cups of joe, just 14 shy of the all-time record. Stuck in a drive-thru line for more than 4 hours, his truck ran out of gas, and he refused to enter the shop. "No one ever mentions it was -37 C windchill," bristled Kaldi. "It was a damned cold day! But all that is in the past now."

Kaldi hopes to attend the induction ceremony, held in Montreal in April. He awaits the advice of his doctors, who have expressed concern that his resting heart-rate is 125 bpm.

[Photo credit: iStockPhoto]

Local Hockey Tilt Marred By Bench-Clearing 'Rock, Paper, Scissors'

The Turnip

January 11, 2011

Milford, Prince Edward Island

Fans, players, and even officials were stunned last night at a match between the New Dundas Double-Doubles and the Milford Mould, of the Red Rock Recreational Hockey League.

The Mould led the Double-Doubles 3-2, in a gritty, tense battle, when two enforcers collided at center ice. In the heat of the moment, the players dropped the gloves, but remembered harsh new suspension guidelines instituted by the League, and spontaneously went to Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Mould forward Ernest Geoffrion won the skirmish with a classic choice of scissors. Afterwards, the loser, Double-Double defenceman Pete Morenz, could not be consoled, "I know, in my head, that scissors are a slight statistical favourite, but his eyes told me he was thinking 'rock'."

Before officials could regain control, players spilled onto the ice, pairing up and repeatedly yelling "1,2,3 Go!". Most fans watched in horror at the scene before them, though 14-year-old Clint Benedict enjoyed the fracas, claiming, "Tomorrow, I'm totally going to skip class and read up on game theory."

The melee continued for 30 minutes before order was restored. Today, the league commissioner could not be reached for comment.

[Photo credit (via Creative Commons License)]

Roundabout Group Ponders Confederation Bridge

The Turnip

Charlottetown, PEI

December 29, 2010

A group of local roundabout enthusiasts held its inaugural meeting today, setting a promotional campaign for 2011 that includes the Confederation Bridge.

The Beneficent Roundabout Association (BRA) is organized by Frank Blackmore. "For many years, fans of traffic junctions just didn't have a voice on Prince Edward Island. But with PEI's recent ventures into efficient civil design, it is a pleasure to announce our new alliance."

Blackmore went on, "The danger is getting bogged down in old issues such as the 'One Metre Truck Apron Debate'. While important, BRA's focus will be larger in scope: job creation, the environment and efficiency".

To those ends, BRA's lobbying campaign aims big for 2011: twin roundabouts on the Confederation Bridge.

Blackmore beamed, "If we can get government buy-in, the employment opportunities are vast. And the efficiency! If you forget your double-double before getting on the Bridge, you can turn back at the 1/3rd mark."

However, the proposal already has its critics: pundits wonder if the planning is merely circular logic. Meanwhile, several truckers ask if the roundabouts will be open to high-sided vehicles.

Blackmore dismisses the detractors: "Our time has come. Roundabouts are the future and BRA will uphold them."

Charlottetown's Crows To Hold Christmas Concert

The Turnip

Charlottetown, PEI

December 16, 2010

A spokesperson for Charlottetown's large crow population announced today that the birds will offer a free Christmas concert, in an attempt to repair relations with city residents.

"The crows concede that they have overstayed their welcome in the past," said Edgar Nevermore, event organizer.

"We are extending a holiday olive branch," said Nevermore, holding a large twig that appeared to be from a white birch.

"We hope that in the spirit of the season, citizens of Charlottetown will join us in setting aside our mutual differences, and enjoy an early morning of song. We hope to build towards a meaningful dialogue in 2011."

The concert will be held at 4:45 am, December 22nd, at Victoria Park.

Prior to the show, the crows will accept requests for classic Christmas carols, though they decline to sing "Silent Night", due to a conflict of interest. Concert-goers are welcome to donate carrion at volunteer stations.

[Photo credit: iStockPhoto]