Monday, January 23, 2012

Sir John A. Statue Speaks Out Against Bully Buses

"a deliberate, pugnacious conspiracy"
The Turnip
January 23, 2012

Shortly after a near-miss with a runaway bus, Charlottetown's statue of Sir John A. MacDonald spoke out at a rare press conference today, decrying a 'campaign of tyranny' by sentient city buses against urban art.

Donning head protection, the bronze sculpture of "The Old Chieftain" used a savvy mix of political opportunism and the shrewd debating style that helped shape the nation's history. The effigy put forth a compelling argument that two runaway bus incidents, mere days apart, could hardly be coincidence:

"I'm a lure for tourism, not bullies."
"Using Occam's razor, we must conclude that those treasonous, mercenary vehicles have entered, of their own volition, a deliberate conspiracy, by force, by fraud, or by both, to force urban art into the Confederation Centre."

Across the street, Bluefin Bullet, a life-size sculpture of a Bluefin tuna, covered in scales made from stainless-steel spoons,  applauded Sir John A. statue's stance.

"We've lived in fear for some time now, but that last accident was truly terrifying. Urban art exhibits are people, too, and someone has to put the brakes on this movement."

"This is the last spike."
In a display of solidarity, Hydrant, a pop-art, oversized fireplug on St. Peters Road, also sported emergency head-gear.  Though unable to attend the media event, the fiesty installation piece announced the support of the city's fire engines, in the event that the situation escalates, claiming via 2-way radio, "We nearly lost Sir John A. This is the last spike."

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

North Pole To Reduce Santa's Reindeer

CEO confident Christmas will remain magical
The Turnip
December 21, 2011

Santa's team of reindeer will have one-third fewer members this year, as part of a downsizing initiative to cut costs, the North Pole announced this week.

Catherine Ebenezer, CEO of North Pole Inc., said the move is predicated on reducing the cost of production: "While the timing is unfortunate, this move will save $100,000 each year. Over time, that impacts the bottom line."

Ebenezer continued, "In addition to our cold calculations, we feel that this move gives Santa's operation a contemporary feel, and grants flexibility for future endeavours. We think the magical Christmas experience offered to families and children will be maintained."

Reaction from Island children has been swift and strong. Fighting back tears, Julia, a 6-year-old from Charlottetown, said "I just don't understand. How can Christmas be the same without all the reindeer?"

The North Pole has not announced which of Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen will face the drastic change in their career trajectory and the subsequent, devastating loss of income. Insiders speculate that Rudolph is likely "as safe as Santa himself". Many believe that victims of the cuts will be forced to give private flying lessons, and that the North Pole's artistic integrity has been compromised.

[Photo credit (via Creative Commons License)]

Monday, June 6, 2011

Grocer Dedicates Checkout Lane To Single, Unshaven Men Wearing Gym Pants

The Turnip
Milford, PEI
June 6, 2011
"Not a veggie, fruit, or grooming product within 100m"

Following the success of its popular "Family-friendly" checkout lane, an Island grocery store unveiled another dedicated checkout today: one aimed at single, unshaven men wearing gym pants.

Joe Trader, manager of Farmer's Harvest in Milford, made the announcement, saying "Our recent polls have shown that a significant percentage of our customers are single men wearing gym pants and sporting 3-day stubble. We're excited to tailor this checkout lane to serve their needs".

Trader described the checkout lane as being 'loaded for this demographic', offering: Maxim and MMA magazines, Pro-Line tickets, beef jerky, and a special 'bar-freezer' containing all known varieties of Hot Pockets. Trader beamed, "there isn't a vegetable, fruit, or grooming product within 100 metres of this checkout. For these guys, it's in and out."

Taylor O'Doucette, a 31-year-old single, unshaven accountant who wears gym pants while shopping at Farmer's Harvest, greeted the news with a mixed reaction: "Well it's definitely a cool lane to shop, but I can't help but wonder if they are trying to get me out of here. I sorta like hanging out in the produce section, asking women for their advice on melons and 'taters'."

Trader dismissed the concern, stressing that his store is simply innovating. "We're planning a special 10% discount on Saturday evenings for any single, unshaven men wearing gym pants and a Toronto Maple Leafs ball cap."

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Minority Government Society To Greet Election Day With Champagne Breakfast

The Turnip
Somerset, PEI
May 1, 2011
Society members anticipate 2012 election

For members of Prince Edward Island's Minority Government Society, it is a new dawn.

Literally. At dawn, on election day, May 2, devotees of unstable, doomed parliaments will gather in pubs across the Island, kicking off a long day of socializing, hypothesizing, and anxiously awaiting results of the federal election.

Members begin the day with a tasteful breakfast of eggs and champagne, a tradition dating to the Sir Alexander Mackenzie/Liberal minority of 1873. Most dress for the occasion, wearing patchwork suits and dresses made from quilted linens, which represent the tenuous, ill-fated bonds of a fragile parliament.

"It is a big commitment and a lot of work," smiled Stephanie O'Gallant, president of the Somerset chapter, "but a day like this only comes along every two years or so. We'll be here into the wee hours, but the eyes of the world will be on us, and we want to share in the celebration."

Standing near an event banner reading "154 seats... or less!", O'Gallant went on to defend the oft-maligned minority, arguing that increased accountability is closer to the ideal of responsible government, and that another election in 2012-13 equates to more jobs for the burgeoning pollster industry and Elections Canada.

"If we are blessed with a fourth consecutive minority...", paused O'Gallant, her voice breaking with emotion. "It will be a testament to our democracy. No matter who gets in, our great nation will enjoy another era of responsiveness and transparency, lasting anywhere from 3 to 18 months."

[Photo credit (via Creative Commons License)]

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Town Celebrates 100th Pothole

The Turnip
New Dundas, PEI
March 29, 2011

Embracing the spring weather, and wishing Old Man Winter a not-so-fond farewell, New Dundas honoured the town's 100th pothole with a ribbon-cutting ceremony. The function opened a week of festivities, Pothole Days, celebrating both pleasant temperatures and the annual fatigue of road surfaces, leading to the iconic traffic hazard.  

Nate O'Doucette, mayor of New Dundas, officiated the proceedings: "Our town council is delighted to participate in Pothole Days. We've planned several events, and encourage families to come out and take part in the activities."

Events include a costume contest for children, jarring hay-wagon rides, and a sweet confection known as the sticky blacktop, a chocolate treat whose texture is reminiscent of asphalt, the highly viscous semi-solid found in most crude petroleum.

The week-long festival culminates in the Pothole Parade, generously sponsored by RePete's Auto, a local wheel-alignment and suspension shop.

[Photo credit A, Photo credit B]

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Piping Plovers Plan Procreation In 3D

The Turnip
Blackbeard Island, Georgia
March 8, 2011

A group of Piping Plovers announced today that they plan to present the 2011 breeding season in 3D. 

Looking tanned and well-rested on the coast of Georgia, Pepper, a 3-year-old female shorebird, spoke on behalf of the group. "Between the lovely summers, and laidback pace, PEI is a great spot to raise a family. Combine that with strong conservation efforts, and we decided to give something back: our upcoming season will appear in rich, high-def 3D".

The announcement culminates months of planning between the birds, local nature groups, and high-end binocular manufacturers.

The birds' season will feature courtship displays, adorable chicks, and the occasional broken-wing display, all in a crisp resolution that approximates IMAX 3D, widely considered the gold-standard by technophiles.

Pepper beamed, "This is a fantastic marketing opportunity to move beyond our ornithologist base. If we can lure home theatre enthusiasts off the couch, and out onto closely-supervised viewing patrols, it's a win-win."

[Photo credit: Wikipedia]

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Local Bar Heats Up Over Curling Dispute

The Turnip
Milford, PEI
February 17, 2011

Local police were called to a bar in Milford, last night, when a debate over the "best female second of all-time" turned ugly.

According to staff of "The Extra End", bar patrons were anxiously anticipating the upcoming Scotties, the Canadian women's national championship. "Early in the evening, people were having fun, swapping stories," said bartender Jamie O'Doucette. "But as the evening wore on, after some drinks, they started comparing the all-time greats, and things got pretty intense."

The primary bone of contention was the all-time best "second", the player who typically throws the 3rd and 4th rocks, and sweeps for all other players. 

Patrons divided into two factions: one favoured Jill Officer, current second for the defending 2010 champions; while others backed Joyce McKee, member of winning squads in 1961, 1969, and a dazzling 3-year run from '71 to '73. 

Said one bystander, only identified as 'Tim': "I don't condone violence, but McKee has my vote. She was a pioneer for women's curling, joining the Hub City Men's League in 1952. She's a member of five freaking championship teams, from a bygone era that was a damn sight tougher than today's posh rinks. The ice in '69 was just impossible."

Countered another, "A legend, yes, but McKee was skip in '61 and '69. Hello? We are talking about second stone here. Officer has 4 Canadian titles and a World title. They don't call her queen of the peel-weight takeout for nothing. Have these people even set foot in a rink?"

Police and bar staff restored order by airing a re-run of Colleen Jones' 2001 World Championship victory on several large-screen televisions. No charges will be laid.